Mar Ukva was a character in our Talmud.[1] He was generous and compassionate, and had a daily habit of giving a few coins of tzedakah to a poor man in his community. One day, having left study hall a little later than usual, his wife came with him to the poor man’s house, and she brought some food with her. Just as they left the money and food as his doorstep, the poor man opened the door. Mar Ukva and his wife, so as not to embarrass him by revealing their identities, ran and hid in, of all places, a furnace. The furnace was not burning fiercely, but the coals were still warm enough to singe Mar Ukva’s legs. His wife’s, however, were not affected at all, and so she invited him to lay his legs upon hers, sparing him from the heat. When he wondered why the heat of the furnace did not affect her, she told him that she was being rewarded for the greatness of the aid she brought. She told him that since the poor man could use her aid right away, while it would take him time to use the money Mar Ukva left, she was being rewarded for her greater generosity.
Mar Ukva was crushed, and that was the last time Mar Ukva asked his wife for help. He was so distraught, the Talmud says, to learn that, despite all of the tzedakah he gave and all the compassion he demonstrated, his wife was deserving of divine compassion in ways that he was not. Had he simply braved the heat of the furnace floor, he never would have had to know. If only he hadn’t asked for help.
It is so hard to ask for help. Asking for help exposes our vulnerabilities and makes us admit to ourselves that we are not as capable as we want to be. It forces us to see ourselves as a burden upon others, or worse opens us up to rejection in a moment when we need reassurance and support more than anything else.
Asking for help is especially hard for leaders, people used to being there for others, as we learn in this week’s Torah portion, Yitro. Between the time of the Israelites’ leaving Egypt, and before they received the Ten Commandments at the end of the portion, Moses spent most of his time helping the community. “Moses sat as magistrate among the people, while the people stood about Moses from morning until evening.” The people would stand waiting all day for a chance to bring their question or their quarrel to Moses that he might adjudicate it. The entire community relied on the help and insight Moses, and Moses alone, offered. Then, Moses received a visit from his father-in-law, Yitro, the priest of Midian, and a man who had significant leadership experience.
“What is this thing that you are doing to the people? Why do you act alone, while all the people stand about you from morning until evening?” Yitro asked Moses. Moses thought the people relied on his insight to live their lives according to God’s guidance. Moses thought he was the only one who could do this for them, and was willing to give of himself, standing all day, every day, listening to their questions and helping them resolve their issues. According to Rabbi Levi Yitzchok of Berdichev,[2] Moses was tiring himself out and frustrating the people, and like any good father in law that knows better than his daughter’s husband; Yitro knew it was his job to tell him. Yitro saw the kindness of heart that Moses was demonstrating, and wanted to help Moses capitalize on it. He helped Moses realize that he could ask others to help out, to pitch in, and that that was a better way.
What Yitro knew was that asking for help benefits everyone, both the person offering the help and the person receiving it. At Stanford University, studies have shown that most people welcome requests for help and relish the opportunities to be helpful to those who they care about. “A direct request can remove those uncertainties, such that asking for help enables kindness and unlocks opportunities for positive social connections. It can also create emotional closeness when you realize someone trusts you enough to share their vulnerabilities, and by working together toward a shared goal,” as professor Xuan Zhao writes.[3]
In his explanation of the portion, Rabbi Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev noticed the spiritual power that comes from offering and receiving help. Moses brought the people closer to God by sharing God’s wisdom, but by delegating and asking for help from other leaders in the community as Yitro suggested, Moses also shared that awesome power with many others. By asking for help, Moses elevated the entire community.
So often I hear from people how overwhelming their lives feel. Global and national events, the situation in Israel, the steady rise of antisemitism, family drama, illness and injury, work troubles, marital strife all pile on and compound one another. We all need help at times, and we are all in a position to give help at others. As Yitro teaches, it is such a blessing to be able to help someone else.
All it takes is someone having the courage and strength to realize they need it.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Greg Weisman
[1] Ketubot 67b
[2] Kedushat Levi, Exodus, Yitro 4
[3] https://news.stanford.edu/stories/2022/09/asking-help-hard-people-want-help-realize
